Episode 45: Sexuality On The Continuum of Sensuality: A Conversation with Monica Day

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What if who we are in the bedroom is who we are in life?  If we are sensual beings experiencing the world through physical bodies, then what can our inner knowing and intuition tell us about safety and risk--both in sex and in life?  How do we create intimacy and can we relocate our innocence?  And what does it mean if we spend most of our lives at odds with our bodies, when so much of our inner knowing is wrapped up in our becoming attuned to our bodies and sensual experiences?

For writer, performer and coach, Monica Day, sex is just a piece of the sexuality continuum, but so much of who we are and what we pay attention to plays out in our sex.  In her new book, Play Wild, Stay Safe: The Guide to Giving & Receiving, she discusses safety and risk in our relationships as a foundational introduction to deeper conversations about sex, sensuality, consent, and safety and beyond.  And through these conversations, we are able to access clarity around not just sexual mastery, but also power dynamics, healing from trauma, authenticity and so much more.  

I’m thrilled to have Monica with me on episode 45 of the Practice of Being Seen podcast.  Together, we discuss:

  • Straddling the duality of “the domestic and the erotic”

  • The importance of communication in sex, and the two components of communicating about sex that we are often not taught

  • The difference between communication and transmission

  • Why every experience is a sensual experience and why we spend most of our lives at odds with that experience

  • The one question everybody wants to know about their sex lives, and what our sex tells us about how we are in every other part of our lives

  • Why we need safety in order to take risks

  • How safety is created, discovered or redefined, and why it’s ultimately about belonging

  • Why being told we are safe isn’t good enough and how attuning to our bodily “source code” recalibrates us to be able to identify true safety

  • Intimacy as an outgrowth of sharing, cultivating curiosity about yourself and your partner, and the relationship killer that we often do in order to protect monogamy

  • Why we need polarities and tension in our relationships

  • The problem with our idea of balance and why A+B doesn’t always equal C in the bedroom

  • The risks involved in both giving and receiving and why it might be more powerful to think in terms of surrender and creation

  • The one major detail we are often not conscious of during sex that, in most any other circumstance in life, would not work out so well.

  • Why being a “sacred witness” feels so confronting to most people and how that relates to the innocence we still have

  • Moving past sexual trauma, the point at which we overvalue safety, and the difference between sexual mastery and repression

  • Discerning between predatory behavior and the “muddy middle”, why we’re so confused about it all in this current moment of Weinstein scandal and #metoo, and what can follow after this cleansing stage in our culture.

Referenced in this episode:

Monica Day’s new book, Play Wild, Stay Safe: The Guide to Giving & Receiving

Esther Perel’s concept of “The Domestic & The Erotic”

You can find Monica Day online at MonicaDay.com.


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Oh, and note your calendars, Rebecca will be co-leading a fabulous 5 day retreat at Menla for couples this Valentine’s week, details available here.